The Budding Optimist

C.S. Lewis once said something to the effect of, “I don’t write to express what I think; I write to find out what I think.”  That sentiment has always resonated with me. I, too, try to work things out in my head by writing them down, moving them around, saying them differently, and just praying that at some point, I have a lightbulb moment where I can be like, “Oh! THAT must be what's going on inside me!” Sometimes it works, and sometimes even weeks after pressing “Publish,” I’m still trying to work things out in my head.  I say all that to warn you that this is that type of post.  Several days ago, I posted this to whatever it is we’re calling the Instagram/Facebook conglomerate these days: I didn’t come up with the original, but it really resonated with me, so I shared it to my stories. A woman I’ve met only a handful of times in my life (from church, of course) & haven’t spoken to in years, instigated the following exchange, via direct message: I am not good at co...

Here's a picture of me celebrating in front of a big-ass, famous mountain in Indonesia. Unfortunately, it is foggy and you cannot see the mountain. It's probably judgment for lying about menstruating when grilled by the holy man guarding the temple. I've been fortunate in the instructors I've had the opportunity to study under, particularly in Bali. One was Marylene Henry, who studied with the students of Orit Sanj Gupta , who is part of the lineage of Krishnamacharya himself. A bit of yoga history... Around 1,000 A.D. many yogis began moving toward the mountains and caves of the Himalayas, withdrawing from the world. They were devotees of Shiva and their leader was Matsyendra Nath, or the Fish Lord (from whom we get matsyendrasana , or Lord of the Fishes pose).  Under Nath's leadership, it is said that the yogis developed siddhis , or supernatural talents. Periodically, they would come down from the mountains to perform miracles for the common people, in order to d...

Some time ago, I read a book about breathing. According to Hindu tradition, each soul is allotted a set amount of breaths throughout the course of his life. It is by this means that the yogi extends his life: by extending the lengths of his breaths. Animals with extremely long lives breathe thusly: long, slow, quiet, and deep. For example, whales can live up to 90 years. Tortoises live up to 150 years. And one species of sharks even reaches 400 years. It's true. Breath matters. Controlling the breath allows us to control the mind. Controlling the mind leads to control over impulses. Controlling impulse essentially allows control over choices. Control over choices leads to control over life. So what is breath? In Sanskrit, the word for breath is prana .  In many cultures worldwide, the word for breath is the same as the word for "spirit." As you breathe out for the last time, we say that your spirit leaves you. In English, "spirits" are also highly concentrated ...

I can measure the eras of my life by the book genres I've loved: In my 20's, romance -- girl meets boy; they fall in love; happily ever after. In my 30's, suspense -- the husband is actually a serial killer & has been gaslighting her for the last decade!!!!!! In my 40's, psychology -- how to be so healthy a serial killer would never be interested in you. My latest read is You Are The Mountain : It was the only audiobook available at the library that I had not already read.  My initial idea was to yoga nidra  myself: I determined to listen to it as I fell asleep each night, & then re-listen to it in the morning to cement in all the knowledge I inevitably acquired whilst sleeping. I warned friends & family that I was about to become extremely wise and self-actualized overnight. They took it in stride. However, I found that come morning, I was too distracted by the New York Times crossword puzzle & my Duolingo streak to want to start up an audiobook about u...

Recently, I returned from Indonesia, where I spent 2 weeks traveling solo and another 3 weeks studying yoga. It was incredibly challenging. * Indonesia is a third-world country. A 3-star hotel in Indonesia included stained sheets, roaches, and other people's hair on the bed. Even a top-rated homestay contained so much mold that if you suffer from asthma -- which apparently I now do -- breathing is labored and scary. Imagine not sleeping well for 5 weeks.  * There are strays everywhere because Balinese Hinduism is so connected to the earth, animals, and plants. None of the animals are spayed or neutered. I love animals, and it was difficult seeing so many starving, maimed ones. One of the women in my hostel heard a pack of wild dogs eating a weaker dog in the middle of the night. I got compassion fatigue and was just sad all the time . Also, 6 dogs chased me down a hill one morning. * There are no sidewalks, no trashcans, and few discernible road rules. This means that Bali is not w...

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've been so anxiety-ridden that I literally made a Google Doc to keep track of all of the things I am anxious about. This includes everything from remembering to get medicine for my altitude sickness, to needing to return luggage before its expiration date, to buying enough cat food, disposable litter boxes, and litter for Poppy while I'm gone. It's possible that my brain is seizing upon these fears because it cannot, it cannot  seize upon the bigger fears, like, "What if I get lost somewhere in Indonesia and literally cannot communicate with anyone?" I had my whole trip planned and then my friend Tiago blew it all to hell when he said, "If Tumpak Sewu has been on your bucket list for years, you can't get THAT CLOSE to it and not find a way to see it." It felt like Venice all over again, like something I would regret forever if I didn't at least try. So I threw my ENTIRE plan -- my pretty calendars and li...