Prana - Just add water
Some time ago, I read a book about breathing. According to Hindu tradition, each soul is allotted a set amount of breaths throughout the course of his life. It is by this means that the yogi extends his life: by extending the lengths of his breaths. Animals with extremely long lives breathe thusly: long, slow, quiet, and deep. For example, whales can live up to 90 years. Tortoises live up to 150 years. And one species of sharks even reaches 400 years. It's true. Breath matters.
In many cultures worldwide, the word for breath is the same as the word for "spirit." As you breathe out for the last time, we say that your spirit leaves you.
In English, "spirits" are also highly concentrated forms of alcohol. (Incidentally, it is also said that Sanskrit is the language of yoga because it is the most precise of all languages, without double meanings). Long ago, traders found it expensive to ship bottles of wine across the sea. So they developed a solution: remove all the water from the wine. Ship the most essential part, and direct wine sellers to "just add water" before selling.
It was a good plan. Only... people decided to taste the pre-watered-down wine...and they liked it! They called it brandy. It was even better than wine! It was the essence or spirit of the wine. And now we call all highly concentrated forms of alcohol spirits.
In the same way, the breath is the spirit or essence of our being. It is the grey area in between the physical & esoteric. Breath is not physical, you cannot see it. But it isn't spiritual either; it allows our lungs to expand and send blood to our hearts, which is definitely a biological function. And yet when it leaves, our souls departs, which is spiritual. Breath is automatic, and yet it's also subject to manipulation.
Breath is the liminal space that unites the two parts of us: the sacred & profane, the soul & body. This is why, to control a panicking mind and a hyperventilating body, we seek to control the breath.
Yoga itself is about duality (if you want non-duality, study tantra). Yin and yang. Dark and light. Atman and Brahman. Observer and observed, usually the breath. Or sometimes a light, as with trataka. It asks the question, "How can I step back and observe without judgment, without expectation?"
Ideally, the yoga mat serves merely as the place where you practice; then you take that practice into the world and put it to the test: where can I observe without judgment? How can I practice non-expectation?
Here is where I get stuck: are expectations wrong? The fact that we practice not having them makes it seem as if they are wrong. But also, that doesn't make sense.
We all have expectations. For example, at school, I expect my students to be in their seats, reading their independent books by the time the final bell rings. That's why I practice it with them.
I expect the guidance counselor to tell me a new student's discipline record so that I don't accidentally set off a kid who'd pulled a gun on a a previous teacher (as once happened).
Back when I was dating, I had the expectation that I would talk to -- or text -- my partner every day. This led to nothing but frustration, as he once took off for a week-long mountain retreat without telling me. But was the expectation wrong? I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't right or wrong; it was just different than his.
And what about when it comes to friendships? My friend Lindsay and I were just talking about this. She recently had a terrible experience. I said, "I think sometimes it's hard for people in relationships to understand the magnitude of 'plans' with a single friend. I spend almost all of my time alone (do 13-year-olds even count?). For me, the most important thing a friend can do is physically show up in human form when we plan something. I think people in relationships don't fully grasp that. They become so used to maneuvering around another person's schedule."
"YES!!!" shrieked Lindsay, who is a few years older than me and also single. "That is exactly the thing! When I make plans with someone, I spend weeks preparing to spend time with them and looking forward to it! I anticipate it to such a great extent! It's not just a casual 'if-it-works-out' for me."
If friendship had an essence, it wouldn't be cards or flowers or words of encouragement. It would be physical presence to remind me that I am not an island entire unto myself, in the words of the poet and minister John Donne. I think the reminder that I'm not, in Lindsay's words, "just a throwaway appointment" if nothing better comes along is the essence of friendship for me.
But the problem is that friendship and love have different essences for different people. And then what do you do with that? Is it even an essence if it changes from person to person?
Is the reason Lindsay and I have maintained such a solid friendship over the years because we both see physically showing up as the essence of caring for someone? And does this mean I need to go to Florida -- my least favorite of all the states -- to visit her? Is the reason I didn't marry Nick because our understanding of love's essence was not the same? Maybe.
I'm still trying to understand the idea of expectations and how it relates to essence. I think if Yoga Elsa were still around, she would tell me that expectations are not bad; it's what you do with them that matters. I think she would say that it's natural to have expectations and expect others to meet them...but can you also detach from the outcomes?
And that is exactly the kind of mind-fuckery that I do not like because I do not understand what it means! How the heck do you have expectations AND ALSO detach from the outcomes? Like... if I expect the guidance counselor to inform me of a new student's discipline record, but he doesn't, and I unintentionally set the kid off -- how do I detach from the outcome of him pulling a weapon on me? I mean, what the actual fkkk? Is that even a thing?
I'm not sure how to put this skill into practice, or even what it looks like. Is it one of those things that you just "get" someday after you've been practicing yoga for long enough? Does it just click at some point?
Maybe.
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