Shiva - Death

I've been thinking a lot about death lately.

I've been thinking about how an aspect of Judaism I've always admired is the "sitting shiva." My mom's family was Jewish but since she was raised in foster care, we didn't really get a lot of the aspects, except for as they were watered down by Christianity. But I have always loved how Jews sit together for a period of mourning and remembering after someone passes.

I think it's telling that shiva is a death-mourning for Jewish people and Shiva is the god of Death in Hinduism and savasana is the "corpse pose" in yoga. Death transcends culture.

In the last several weeks, we've had a student bring a gun to school (he got suspended but will be back in August); two mass shooting threats written in bathroom stalls; and a student carry another loaded gun into a gym full of 1,500 people.

The administration team keeps either a) telling us nothing, b) telling us "there was a threat but it's mostly resolved," or c) sending emails saying, "If you're feeling unsafe, feel free to come chat with us on your lunch hour!"

Here's the deal. I'm feeling unsafe. We keep saying we feel unsafe, and they keep acting like we're crazy, just giving into fear-mongering.

A teacher started crying during one of these lunch meetings and said, "I was walking down the aisle in my classroom, and I saw a GUN in a student's backpack! And NOTHING was ever communicated to staff! How are we supposed to feel safe here!? You keep doing NOTHING."

I don't know if this is normal. I honestly have no idea what "the new normal" is. According to NPR, there were 601 mass shootings in America in 2022... 1 or 2 every day. If 1 or 2 mass shootings occur every day, wouldn't that mean there are far more than 601 threats and potential shootings?

This one's from St. Charles...

I don't understand people who own guns. I don't understand people who conceal and carry guns. The things I have seen during my time teaching would make your teeth curl, and I will never support anyone's "right" to carry a firearm. And honestly, I'm not really looking for a discussion here because I'll get incredibly stressed out and my face will swell up into hives and I'll have to go get another thousand-dollar shot.

Here's what I think: You don't get to have an opinion if you're not a teacher.

I realize that is INSANELY biased and illogical. I realize that it makes me look like a complete lunatic.

But until you have actually been in a classroom with an unhinged student threatening you or until you have actually been shot at with blanks to "see how you would react" AS A FUCKING ENGLISH TEACHER, I say that you don't get to have an opinion.

I feel like I'm literally losing my mind.

All year long, I have been forced to teach high school boys wearing ski masks under dark hoodies. All year long, I have tried to tell the administrative team AND the teacher's union that something is wrong.

"I realize that students have a right to wear masks if they feel unsafe due to COVID," I told them. I still have students who wear medical masks daily because they're afraid of a virus, and I fully support them.

"But these boys? They aren't afraid of catching COVID. They are dressing like this purely as an intimidation tactic."

The union rep said, "Well maybe..."

The principal said the administrative team will be talking about it. That was two months ago.

I kept bringing it up. This is a safety issue. I have no fucking idea what these students look like because I've never seen their faces! I could literally be standing in line next to one of my students at the grocery store, and if he was wearing different clothes and didn't have a ski mask on, I would have no idea. 

How did they respond? By inviting teachers to form a committee to assess the problem and come up with a dress code.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!? 

I was literally at school at 5:55 this morning to do my actual teaching/planning/grading job. And now, in order to feel safe, I need to give up more time to put together some kind of possible dress code?!?

So yeah. One of the ski mask boys whose face I've never seen and whom I could not pick out in a lineup apparently brought a loaded gun into the school, had it with him all day, and then brought it into a packed gymnasium with him that night.

Oh. And the teacher that emailed Admin to say her students announced he had it with him all day? She got reprimanded. You know. For spreading hearsay.

When will it be enough?

I've tried really hard to be positive all year, but I'm done.

The world cannot contain my rage.