Choice

When I used to teach The Giver, I asked students to create their own utopias. What would it look like? How would order be maintained? What would you eradicate that is present in our current world, and what would you add? How would you do it?

It was an interesting exercise. It kind of made me wonder what a utopia would look like for me.

I think it would be a world without decisions. I fkking hate decisions.

I guess that's pretty ironic, given that the lack of choices in The Giver is what makes it a dystopia and what the protagonist works to overcome.

It's weird how one man's dystopia is another man's utopia. I guess it's like John Milton said: "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."

Today, I had a 2nd interview for a position teaching high school English in my SEVENTH district. Instead of preparing, I did the following things:

* scrolled through friends' Goodreads updates

* shopped for eye shadow, then decided maybe I'm not an eye shadow person 

* practiced a new yoga sequence

* pet my cats

I just have 0 bothers left to give. If such a thing is even possible, I gave 1,000% at my current job. 

I spent every damn holiday writing curriculum and lesson plans while everyone else was off at Disney World or on camping trips with their families (I know this because I texted them for information, and they were dumbfounded. Also, annoyed).

When the 22-year-old teacher next to me decided she had no interest in writing grammar/vocab lessons, I created ALL of it for both of us. For the entire year.

When the 50-60 year-old teachers in my PLC said that they had no intention of learning anything new at this stage in their careers, I told them no problem, and I began systematically converting everything from Google Classroom to Canvas for us. It took more hours than I can count.

I was the first damn person in the parking lot every morning, arriving before the ENTIRE administrative team.

I started a yoga club to help the dysregulated students who were struggling with anxiety.

I literally wrecked my health to be successful at this job.

I feel like I completely failed.

I know they said that it was a total fluke, that they really thought this was going to be a permanent position.

But inside my own head, I think, "What if I had been more fun? What if the enrollment for my classes went down because students got mad that I took their phones, and they told their friends not to sign up for my classes? What if the principal isn't telling me that part? What if all these recommendation letters are just pity-letters?"

My mind makes a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

Here's what I really think:

This school was lucky as sh!t to get me. But ultimately, it really doesn't matter because I'm out of a job.

Here are my options:

* Stay in the district. The HR director said she would do everything she can to help me find SOMETHING within the district. So far, she's sent me two middle school Tech Ed jobs that don't require any certification. I wanted to vomit when I saw them. This is what I risked everything for? To teach a middle subject that doesn't even require a certification?

If I stay here, I could end up in this exact same situation next March. Francis Howell hires and then lays off dependent on student enrollment -- every year. I talked to a union rep and she told me Admin was SHOCKED that so few people attended the hiring fair Saturday -- and it still hasn't occurred to them that alllllllll the people they've laid off are telling every other teacher they know not to apply.

So yes, I could stay here. I could teach middle school tech ed, a position for which I am not only woefully under-informed for, but also it makes me want to poke my eyeballs out when I think about.

I could hope that someone retires from my current school in the next year or two -- but then what? The district could just as easily eliminate that job -- because that's what they do.

* I could take the job in STL County that's about to be offered to me. Yes, it's a pay cut. And it's far away. But it's a job teaching high school English.

"Now wait, is this one of those super 'woke' districts?" asked my former FZ principal, who still advises me, and also drinks wine with me.

"Adrienne, you know that I would consider that a bonus, so why would you even ask?" I responded.

"Oh. Right," she laughed. "Okay, take that one."

* I could wait to see if WSD posts jobs. One of my best friends works there. She likes it whenever she isn't having mid-life crises. I told her I think I'm still several years away from these since I have yet to become bored teaching HS English. But if I do this, I guess I close the door where I am now.

It's not that the place I'm at now is so completely wonderful. But it's 10 minutes from my house, and I went there as a kid. Granted, I only went there for the 2 days that my parents allowed me to attend public school, but still.

And more than that, I just don't want to start over. I'm tired a.f. I really am. I consoled myself all year long by telling myself that there are seasons of life that demand sacrifice and a lack of balance, but that the season after that will make up for it.

I'm tired of starting over. 

I'm tired of choices and decisions.

I just want a place to rest. 

And also, I want to be valued where I work.

We're in the midst of a national teacher shortage, for fuck's sake. How am I still jobless?

And now, if you will excuse me, I have to go attend an awards ceremony that I will, of course, feel extremely out of place at. But I cannot leave a kid hanging.