īkṣaṇa - Look


I've been living in denial about my immediate future. Rather than using the summer to prep for teaching 7th grade, I've been hoping that something else will open up last minute in, say, Greece, and I will be able to leave 7th grade 4,000 miles behind me and relocate to a place that has no 7th grade. Or that at least I'd be on Corfu teaching 7th grade.

The curriculum where I'm supposed to teach is...confounding. I told Stella I don't know what I'm teaching. Since she works in Clayton and is the best teacher I know, I trusted her to tell me where to start and then kick my ass into gear. Stella opened her computer, spent 7 minutes examining the curriculum published for my district, then slammed the computer shut and said, "Yeah, good luck with that; that's a mess. Sorry, T."

So I refuse to look. I refuse to check my school email. I refuse to set up my classroom. I refuse to remove "high school English" from my signature or update my LinkedIn profile. If you close your eyes and stick your head in the sand, things are supposed to resolve themselves, right?

I've been thinking a lot about seeing lately, and about blind spots.

Before leaving for Croatia, I'd signed up for a sailing trip because my happiest place in the world is on a sailboat. I happened to mention in an email to my sister that I was the only person so far signed up to sail that day. This was her response:


Then she made me a necklace before I left the US. "WWLD?" -- What Would Lucy Do? Since she typically has more common sense than me, she thought a visual reminder of her street smarts would help me to make good decisions.

It was marginally successful.

It certainly succeeded in making me more nervous. I told the sailing company from above and then another one I found later that I couldn't go on the trips if I was the only person signed up. I told Stella I needed her to call me while I walked to the bus station in the middle of the night. I told an off-duty tour guide that I did not want to get in a car alone with him.

Stella and Lucy were great. But do you know what the overwhelming European response to my caution was?

"What are you so afraid of? This is not America. You're safe here."

I challenge you to pause and read that again.

More than the sailing trip I ultimately embarked on; more than all the history I learned; more than the interesting people I met and the spectacular views that I saw, the most salient part of my 2 1/2 weeks abroad was that statement that I repeatedly hear from European citizens:

"This is not America. You don't have to be afraid. You are safe here."

The following countries have issued active travel advisories to the US:

* United Kingdom
* Australia
* Canada
* New Zealand
* France
* Venezuela
* Uruguay



Sometimes we don't see things because we don't want to see them. Sometimes we see them and we rationalize them away. Sometimes we see them and demure because we think they can't change.

But sometimes we know exactly what's going on and how bad it is. It's just not important enough for US to want to make sacrifices in order to address.

Thurston High School
Columbine High School
Heritage High School
Deming Middle School
Fort Gibson Middle School
Buell Elementary School
Lake Worth Middle School
University of Arkansas
Junipero Serra High School
Santana High School
Bishop Neumann High School
Pacific Lutheran University
Granite Hills High School
Lew Wallace High School
Martin Luther King, Jr High School
Appalachian School of Law
Washington High School
Conception Abbey
Benjamin Tasker Middle School
University of Arizona
Lincoln High School
John McDonogh High School
Red Lion Area Junior High School
Case Western Reserve University
Rocori High School
Ballou High School
Randallstown High School
Bowen High School
Red Lake Senior High School
Harlan Community Academy High School
Campbell County High School
Milwee Middle School
Roseburg High School
Pine Middle School
Essex Elementary School
Duquesne University
Platte Canyon High School
Weston High School
West Nickel Mines School
Joplin Memorial Middle School
Henry Foss High School
Compton Centennial High School
Virginia Tech
Success Tech Academy
Miami Carol City Senior High School
Hamilton High School
Louisiana Technical College
Mitchell High School
EO Green Junior High School
Northern Illinois University
Lakota Middle School
Knoxville Central High School
Willoughby South High School
Henry Ford High School
University of Central Arkansas
Dillard High School
Dunbar High School
Hampton University
Harvard College
Larose-Cut Off Middle School
International Studies Academy
Skyline College
Discovery Middle School
University of Alabama
DeKalb School
Deer Creek Middle School
Ohio State University
Mumford High School
University of Texas
Kelly Elementary School
Marinette High School
Aurora Central High School
Millard South High School
Martinsville West Middle School
Worthing High School
Millard South High School
Highlands Intermediate School
Cape Fear High School
Chardon High School
Episcopal School of Jacksonville
Oikos University
Hamilton High School
Perry Hall School
Normal Community High School
University of South Alabama
Banner Academy South
University of Southern California
Sandy Hook Elementary School
Apostolic Revival Center Christian School
Taft Union High School
Osborn High School
Stevens Institute of Business and Arts
Hazard Community and Technical College
Chicago State University
Lone Star College-North
Cesar Chavez High School
Price Middle School
University of Central Florida
New River Community College
Grambling State University
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Ossie Ware Mitchell Middle School
Ronald E McNair Discovery Academy
North Panola High School
Carver High School
Agape Christian Academy
Sparks Middle School
North Carolina A&T State University
Stephenson High School
Brashear High School
West Orange High School
Arapahoe High School
Edison High School
Liberty Technology Magnet High School
Hillhouse High School
Berrendo Middle School
Purdue University
South Carolina State University
Los Angeles Valley College
Charles F Brush High School
University of Southern California
Georgia Regents University
Academy of Knowledge Preschool
Benjamin Banneker High School
D H Conley High School
East English Village Preparatory Academy
Paine College
Georgia Gwinnett College
John F Kennedy High School
Seattle Pacific University
Reynolds High School
Indiana State University
Albemarle High School
Fern Creek Traditional High School
Langston Hughes High School
Marysville Pilchuck High School
Florida State University
Miami Carol City High School
Rogers State University
Rosemary Anderson High School
Wisconsin Lutheran High School
Frederick High School
Tenaya Middle School
Bethune-Cookman University
Pershing Elementary School
Wayne Community College
JB Martin Middle School
Southwestern Classical Academy
Savannah State University
Harrisburg High School
Umpqua Community College
Northern Arizona University
Texas Southern University
Tennessee State University
Winston-Salem State University
Mojave High School
Lawrence Central High School
Franklin High School
Muskegon Heights High School
Independence High School
Madison High School
Antigo High School
University of California-Los Angeles
Jeremiah Burke High School
Alpine High School
Townville Elementary School
Vigor High School
Linden McKinley STEM Academy
June Jordan High School for Equity
Union Middle School
Mueller Park Junior High School
West Liberty-Salem High School
University of Washington
King City High School
North Park Elementary School
North Lake College
Freeman High School
Mattoon High School
Rancho Tehama Elementary School
Aztec High School
Wake Forest University
Italy High School
NET Charter High School
Marshall County High School
Sal Castro Middle School
Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
Great Mills High School
Central Michigan University
Huffman High School
Frederick Douglass High School
Forest High School
Highland High School
Dixon High School
Santa Fe High School
Noblesville West Middle School
University of North Carolina Charlotte
STEM School Highlands Ranch
Edgewood High School
Palm Beach Central High School
Providence Career & Technical Academy
Fairley High School (school bus)
Canyon Springs High School
Dennis Intermediate School
Florida International University
Central Elementary School
Cascade Middle School
Davidson High School
Prairie View A & M University
Altascocita High School
Central Academy of Excellence
Cleveland High School
Robert E Lee High School
Cheyenne South High School
Grambling State University
Blountsville Elementary School
Holmes County, Mississippi (school bus)
Prescott High School
College of the Mainland
Wynbrooke Elementary School
UNC Charlotte
Riverview Florida (school bus)
Second Chance High School
Carman-Ainsworth High School
Williwaw Elementary School
Monroe Clark Middle School
Central Catholic High School
Jeanette High School
Eastern Hills High School
DeAnza High School
Ridgway High School
Reginald F Lewis High School
Saugus High School
Pleasantville High School
Waukesha South High School
Oshkosh High School
Catholic Academy of New Haven
Bellaire High School
North Crowley High School
McAuliffe Elementary School
South Oak Cliff High School
Texas A&M University-Commerce
Sonora High School
Western Illinois University
Oxford High School
Robb Elementary SchoolThurston High School
Columbine High School
Heritage High School
Deming Middle School
Fort Gibson Middle School
Buell Elementary School
Lake Worth Middle School
University of Arkansas
Junipero Serra High School
Santana High School
Bishop Neumann High School
Pacific Lutheran University
Granite Hills High School
Lew Wallace High School
Martin Luther King, Jr High School
Appalachian School of Law
Washington High School
Conception Abbey
Benjamin Tasker Middle School
University of Arizona
Lincoln High School
John McDonogh High School
Red Lion Area Junior High School
Case Western Reserve University
Rocori High School
Ballou High School
Randallstown High School
Bowen High School
Red Lake Senior High School
Harlan Community Academy High School
Campbell County High School
Milwee Middle School
Roseburg High School
Pine Middle School
Essex Elementary School
Duquesne University
Platte Canyon High School
Weston High School
West Nickel Mines School
Joplin Memorial Middle School
Henry Foss High School
Compton Centennial High School
Virginia Tech
Success Tech Academy
Miami Carol City Senior High School
Hamilton High School
Louisiana Technical College
Mitchell High School
EO Green Junior High School
Northern Illinois University
Lakota Middle School
Knoxville Central High School
Willoughby South High School
Henry Ford High School
University of Central Arkansas
Dillard High School
Dunbar High School
Hampton University
Harvard College
Larose-Cut Off Middle School
International Studies Academy
Skyline College
Discovery Middle School
University of Alabama
DeKalb School
Deer Creek Middle School
Ohio State University
Mumford High School
University of Texas
Kelly Elementary School
Marinette High School
Aurora Central High School
Millard South High School
Martinsville West Middle School
Worthing High School
Millard South High School
Highlands Intermediate School
Cape Fear High School
Chardon High School
Episcopal School of Jacksonville
Oikos University
Hamilton High School
Perry Hall School
Normal Community High School
University of South Alabama
Banner Academy South
University of Southern California
Sandy Hook Elementary School
Apostolic Revival Center Christian School
Taft Union High School
Osborn High School
Stevens Institute of Business and Arts
Hazard Community and Technical College
Chicago State University
Lone Star College-North
Cesar Chavez High School
Price Middle School
University of Central Florida
New River Community College
Grambling State University
Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Ossie Ware Mitchell Middle School
Ronald E McNair Discovery Academy
North Panola High School
Carver High School
Agape Christian Academy
Sparks Middle School
North Carolina A&T State University
Stephenson High School
Brashear High School
West Orange High School
Arapahoe High School
Edison High School
Liberty Technology Magnet High School
Hillhouse High School
Berrendo Middle School
Purdue University
South Carolina State University
Los Angeles Valley College
Charles F Brush High School
University of Southern California
Georgia Regents University
Academy of Knowledge Preschool
Benjamin Banneker High School
D H Conley High School
East English Village Preparatory Academy
Paine College
Georgia Gwinnett College
John F Kennedy High School
Seattle Pacific University
Reynolds High School
Indiana State University
Albemarle High School
Fern Creek Traditional High School
Langston Hughes High School
Marysville Pilchuck High School
Florida State University
Miami Carol City High School
Rogers State University
Rosemary Anderson High School
Wisconsin Lutheran High School
Frederick High School
Tenaya Middle School
Bethune-Cookman University
Pershing Elementary School
Wayne Community College
JB Martin Middle School
Southwestern Classical Academy
Savannah State University
Harrisburg High School
Umpqua Community College
Northern Arizona University
Texas Southern University
Tennessee State University
Winston-Salem State University
Mojave High School
Lawrence Central High School
Franklin High School
Muskegon Heights High School
Independence High School
Madison High School
Antigo High School
University of California-Los Angeles
Jeremiah Burke High School
Alpine High School
Townville Elementary School
Vigor High School
Linden McKinley STEM Academy
June Jordan High School for Equity
Union Middle School
Mueller Park Junior High School
West Liberty-Salem High School
University of Washington
King City High School
North Park Elementary School
North Lake College
Freeman High School
Mattoon High School
Rancho Tehama Elementary School
Aztec High School
Wake Forest University
Italy High School
NET Charter High School
Marshall County High School
Sal Castro Middle School
Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School
Great Mills High School
Central Michigan University
Huffman High School
Frederick Douglass High School
Forest High School
Highland High School
Dixon High School
Santa Fe High School
Noblesville West Middle School
University of North Carolina Charlotte
STEM School Highlands Ranch
Edgewood High School
Palm Beach Central High School
Providence Career & Technical Academy
Fairley High School (school bus)
Canyon Springs High School
Dennis Intermediate School
Florida International University
Central Elementary School
Cascade Middle School
Davidson High School
Prairie View A & M University
Altascocita High School
Central Academy of Excellence
Cleveland High School
Robert E Lee High School
Cheyenne South High School
Grambling State University
Blountsville Elementary School
Holmes County, Mississippi (school bus)
Prescott High School
College of the Mainland
Wynbrooke Elementary School
UNC Charlotte
Riverview Florida (school bus)
Second Chance High School
Carman-Ainsworth High School
Williwaw Elementary School
Monroe Clark Middle School
Central Catholic High School
Jeanette High School
Eastern Hills High School
DeAnza High School
Ridgway High School
Reginald F Lewis High School
Saugus High School
Pleasantville High School
Waukesha South High School
Oshkosh High School
Catholic Academy of New Haven
Bellaire High School
North Crowley High School
McAuliffe Elementary School
South Oak Cliff High School
Texas A&M University-Commerce
Sonora High School
Western Illinois University
Oxford High School
Bridgewater University
Robb Elementary School
Covenant Christian School

I've been thinking about why I keep checking international job boards. Why do I pay the fees every year to access the accounts where teaching positions are posted? I work in America. I live in America. What the hell am I doing applying for jobs in Zagreb and Trieste and Guernsey, for crying out loud?

There have been a few key moments in my life where I had eureka! experiences brought on by location changes. On a trip to New York a decade ago, around when Nick and I were dating and I was there all the time, I had one such moment. Walking down Amsterdam, I suddenly realized I could breathe -- I was astonished to discover that conservative, midwestern, whitewashed Christian expectations formed a palpable weight that had been sitting on top of my chest and that it was completely absent in New York, which was vibrant and diverse and for the most part, accepting of everyone.

That's the type of experience that sticks with you, that forces you to begin a reckoning. In New York, my reckoning with Christianity began.

In Dubrovnik, I think my reckoning with America began.


As part of my journey, I read Rick Steves' book Travel as a Political Act. Steves is probably the most recognized travel guru in the world. He has a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, including ways in which America falls woefully behind the rest of the world. He's often confronted by people who say ignorant things like, "Well if you hate America so much, why don't you just leave?"

Steves' response is priceless. It's essentially: "I love Europe. But I love America more. Loving something doesn't mean you refuse to reckon with its faults or work to improve it."

The problem with American exceptionalism is that we as a nation refuse to even consider the possibility that we could learn anything from anyone else. Our way is the best way in absolutely every sense, in every category, in every situation, world without end, amen.

It's the height of hubris.

It's begging for disaster.

It's absurd in its absurdity.

People in other countries look at us like we are insane. LOOK at that list above! In what goddamn universe is a list like that okay as long as public citizens can then also keep the rights to their guns? In what other country are citizens willing to rationalize away that level of fear and carnage in exchange for being able to own any kind of firearm they want?

Years ago, I got an email from Hazelwood admin stating that it was once again time for "back-to-school teacher training." Typically this means mandatory professional development on things like How to Really Listen to Kids! and Fun Apps to Use in Your Classroom!

That year, they told us to wear athletic shoes (generally denoting team-building exercises).

Teachers from across Hazelwood converged in one building and were sent into classrooms for break-out sessions. It was nice to see new faces, teachers from other HSD schools, but less nice to listen to a police officer talk about things we could do to remain safe during a school shooting. 

Suddenly, a man jumped up from one of the desks near me and began firing.

Looking back, I realize it wasn't just one man in one classroom. In every classroom, HSD's roughly 2,000 teachers were subjected to close-range gunshots (with blanks) from what turned out to be undercover officers wanting to test "how we would react" to a school shooter.



They aren't allowed to do it like that anymore. Now, the officers tell you exactly what will happen. They wear their uniforms so you know who they are. They ask if anyone has pre-existing medical conditions. They tell you that ONE man will begin shooting in a hall outside the classrooms. And then that one officer fires up at the ceiling. But that's not how I experienced it.

Ten years later, I am still full of rage at that experience. 
I am full of rage every time, throughout the school year, we have intruder drills and talk about how to take down an active shooter. 
I am enraged at the 3 school shooting threats last spring at my high school. 
I'm enraged that a fellow teacher quit because she felt no one took her fears seriously...having glanced into a student's bookbag to see a loaded gun in her classroom.


To be a teacher in America is like a game of Russian Roulette in 2023. Yes, the pension will be nice, but God only knows if I'll still be around to collect it.

I finished my international teaching certification in December 2015. I've been searching international job boards and flirting with the idea of leaving for the past 8 years. I always lose my nerve because I begin to think about how much I'd miss my cats and my garden and my tiny house. And that erstwhile pension.

But being in Europe and seeing the shock on other travelers' faces when I talked about American gun policy and how it affects classrooms was jarring. It forced me to SEE how dysfunctional our society is.

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned

This is what it feels like to teach in America right now. I hope I live long enough to retire to Europe, because I doubt I will live long enough to see change. More people would have to be willing to look.

In the meantime, perhaps 7th grade won't be as awful as I fear. At least there will be fewer guns.

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